As I’m sure that most of you have noticed, I have gone to Church a total of once in the time that I’ve been here (just a tad over two months). And I would imagine that a majority of the people who have noticed this face don’t have any idea why. Why I would go from doing everything related to Church to doing nothing related to Church. From doing multiple Church activities during the week to none.

Well, to me at least, it pretty much boils down to me acting like a little kid towards God. Throwing something like a trantrum, or maybe more like holding your breath to try and get your own way. But not quite. Because I don’t think that I’m trying to force God’s hand to give me what I want. No, I gave up on that long ago.

The past week or so I have been thinking a lot about God’s justice and mercy. Somehow I convinced myself that being an heir entitled you to certain privileges. To me that’s been sort of like getting what you want. Getting those things that you think will make you happy. And for whatever reason, while pondering this my mind rested upon the parable of the workers in the vineyard (Mt. 20:1-16). There was this guy who owned a vineyard. He hired some other guys at the first of the day to work in the fields, promising to pay them a denarius, to which they agreed. The vineyard owner then went out several more times during the day to the market to find more laborers. Even at the eleventh hour, he hired more workers. Then he told his guy to pay them all. And they all received the same amount; the amount that had been promised to the workers who had worked all day. So, the workers who had worked all day thought that they deserved more than the guys who had worked very little. Now, there is a big part of me that when I read this, sides with the guys who thought that they deserved more than the other guys. But really, they didn’t because they had an agreement with the owner for their pay, and that agreement was fair.

It’s an odd thing to expect both justice and mercy at the same time. How is it that I do what I think God wants me to do and then expect Him to be just and give me what I want because I know that I am better for doing what He wants me to do than other people who aren’t doing what He wants them to be doing. Did that make sense to you? Like if you do God’s will, then He will reward you by giving you what you want. And if you don’t do God’s will, then He won’t. Yeah, that’s a better explanation… When in fact He really doesn’t have to do that. He doesn’t owe us another day. He doesn’t owe us another breath. And for me that has been a hard pill to swallow.

As I sit here, so far away from anywhere that I’ve called home, I wonder, “Is this all there is to life?”. Do we just go to work so that we can live in our apartments and watch our movies and eat our meals and save our money? It’s like we work to live and live to work. I don’t see the point. I work so that I can save so that I can buy things so I can try and relax from work.

I am slowly realizing how long I am going to have to stay here. It’s sinking in, but not really. It’s going to be years before I can put anything on my resume of any significance to “try and get a job that I’d rather have”. Even though I have no idea of what that in fact might be.

So, is this what I’m doing? Taking my ball and going home? Saying that if I can’t be happy with God and His rules, then I’ll just be unhappy without God and His rules? Because that’s much easier and has much less guilt involved.

I used to think that I was an oak. A guy who never questioned God and yelled up at the ceiling “Why?”. It’s hard for me to remember a day now when I don’t do that or at least want to. Actually, I take that back. I don’t do that too often because it has never worked.

So, is the sole reward of heaven at the end of your life enough reward to motivate you to do God’s will on Earth, if there were no other Earthly reward?

So when I say that I’m going to be here for a few years at this job to try and get where I’d like to be, I think to myself that then I must put my head down and my nose to the grindstone. And so the same with God. But I feel like I’ve been doing that for so long now. Not so much in the job, per se, but I feel like I’ve worked so hard for everything, only to get where? I’m not really sure. I have long expected some reward, but feel as though I’ve received none.

I guess that in the end I just feel like all of my hard work and all of my past faithfullness has been met with no reward. And so why then should I continue trying? How can I continue doing this if I’m already burnt out on it? If God is telling me now to continue with this mentality of to just keep going, doing the right thing, keeping my head down, how much longer can I go? How long will you work only to receive the exact same reward as the slackers?

I applaud you if you have made it reading thus far. And I apologize for all the spelling and grammar and writing mistakes. Please forgive me for I am not an English major and have no desire to proof this. As much as I would wish it to be well written, I think that I like it better to feel rough and from me, than polished and reworked. I know that I am guilty for not reading most people’s long blog entries, so I am happy that you have read this one. And hopefully you will know me better for having read it. I’m not quite sure why I have written all of this for you all to read. And I haven’t yet submitted it, but if you are reading, then of course I have. These things have been brewing for so long… Let us hope that I am granted some resolution and peace.