Posted by Thomas Tue, 16 Aug 2005 01:46:19 +0000
Sorry that it has been so long. Between the network being down here at the apt since Thursday, being gone for the weekend, and generally not having any time at all while I was home to do much more than be with the fam, I am just now getting back to this.
So, let’s start with the Cliff’s Notes of the comments. Mindy says stay true and step out. Ben says ,“don’t worry, thomas. have faith that some girl will see you for who you are and love you and marry you. trust God, it’ll happen.” Marcus says that even the experts say they don’t know wtf is the right thing to do. He goes on with wisdom beyond his years by stating (pretty much) that if things were fair, then “every girl would be all up ons”. Marc says don’t throw rocks at girls and burn their houses down with candles that spell their name (my paraphrase). C-to-the-a-to-the-llum sez buy a puppy and go to a strip club (note this fortune). Chad says don’t listen to him and talk about computers all the time.
All too often I’ve heard guys relate how they pretty much have no idea how they got hooked up with their significant other. This helps me none.
For you see that I feel that I have done my best to stay true to myself in my pursuit of women only to get in return ::matt foley::JACK SQUAT!::matt foley::
Everyone pretty much says that you have to be yourself. Exactly who that person is is a highly debated topic. During either ENGR111 or 112 we had to do these personality-ish surveys. Not the Keirsey one, different, more expensive ones. They dealt more with how to communicate with co-workers, the best management environment for you to work in, etc. They made some distinctions between a natural behavior and an adapted one. For example, their program drew the conclusion that my tendancy to motivate others is less a natural one and more an adapted one, meaning that my natural tendancy to get your butt in gear is less than the tendancy that you might actually come into contact with.
So in taking this notion of natural and adapted, I tried to extrapolate that if everyone is capable of doing pretty much anything (say to the generic extremes both very, very good and bad things), then what really does define us? If we are defined by our actions, and in certain circumstances we can do atrocious things (the Holocaust, for example), then we are defined by nothing because we can do everything.
Can everyone reading this can assume that the real and true Thomas can, under the proper conditions, be charming enough to get some girl’s phone number? We can all agree that this action would be an adapted behavior, correct? Something that Thomas was always capable of. Then anything else that Thomas is capable of would then be part of the true Thomas. Doesn’t that truly muddy the water of who Thomas really is? Doesn’t that essentially make Thomas undefined?
I think that Max would argue that the true Thomas is independant of outward appearance. Which I would say is only partially true. Do my glasses define me? Would I be any different if I wore contacts? Would I be more appealing if everyone could see my eyes better to try and read them? Do my shorts define me? Do my t-shirts? Am I a fundamentally different person if I shaved everyday and everyday wore business casual? Perhaps business casual wouldn’t denote a fundamental shift in my being, but I would hotly argue that it would indicate a paradigm shift. At the very least an acceptance of a new stage in life. I would argue that that outward sign correlates directly to an inward acceptance. Acceptance that things can and never will be the save again. Letting go of things of the past. Fundamental changes in priorities. Just plain fundamental changes. People might argue that the clothes don’t make the man, but I am a firm believer that clothing maintains a direct relationship to personal and fundamental things of that person. If a girl wears flip flops instead of heels. The kind of glasses she wears. How much makeup she has on. Whether she has her nails done. Whether she’s had a peticure. How conservatively she dresses. How her hair is done. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this. But I bet that there’s one of you out there that thinks that I have my girl picked out to a tee. ;) And maybe I do. And maybe I don’t.
Maybe that’s why I hate this game so much is that I just don’t think that I’ll ever win. That’s pretty much what everybody said wasn’t it? Just wait for it. You say, “If you build it, they will come”. And I say, “build what?”. And you say “If you build it, they will come”. And then I have to build a baseball field in the middle of my corn field.
I’ve tried playing the game every way that I know how. I’ve even tried playing the game by not playing at all (Would you like to play a game of chess?). Nothing seems to change. So if I am so infintely picky, and we then assume that this ficticious woman is also infinitely picky, then can anyone figure out the probability of hookup of two infinitely picky people? I look at my odds in CS and I look at them now, and I just give up. Sorry, Ben, I can’t trust and I’ve lost [some] faith.
Sleep awaits. Maybe someday my prose will get less disjointed and generally better overall…
I get up early in the mornings now (by choice!). Am I now a different person fundamentally?
I dunno.
Thomas, my personal opinion is that you are the one who makes your choices. you are responsible for your adapted and sometimes even your natural tendencies. don’t get too caught up in the semantics of all this. If you like a girl, ask her out. if she says no, punch her in the face. it’s quite simple.
and by the way, i think you would look quite stunning if you decided to change the way you dress. I know that when I do make looking good (hey aubrey! come and see how good I look!) I ~feel~ better about myself, and that can give me that aura that is attractive to people (not just possible girlfriends). So I guess my advice, if this even is advice, is do what you gotta do, but stay true to what you ~know~ to be right. stuff like, don’t sleep around – don’t make looking good priority numero uno – don’t punch girls in the face… you know this stuff.
and finally, in closing, you must come visit houston soon, and we can go get some ice cream. yay ice cream.
I always liked your shorts.
What Josh said. Including the coming to Houston, because I can always come down for that.
Hey, where did I say talk about computers. I said you had a good character and you shouldn’t do anything to compromise that. At least on this point, you should listen to me. Also, send me your phone number, cause my phone died.
My what a sob fest.
I have just recently discovered your blog and I don’t know you as well as a lot of people commenting here, so I don’t know if my advice to you will help at all, but here it is.
1. Meet lots of women. If you don’t meet girls, you won’t find a girl to marry. Simple as that, the more you meet, the greater your chances of finding love are. This was one of the many reasons I left Aldersgate for the Wesley Foundation, I had met all the girls there I wasn’t interested in any of them and vice versa. Kind of ironic I ended up marrying one of them, but that is beside the point. I needed some new women to meet so I went to the Wesley. So go to some churches, and if you can’t find any women there that you want to see naked, go to another church.
This is far more important than piece of advice number two. The reason most people tell you to just let it happen is because that is how it happens for most people. They meet a potential spouse and shoot for being friends with them for awhile and then realize they like each other. They have the notorious DTR and then start dating. So they just tell people to let it happen, but what they forget to tell you is they still had to MEET the person. If you don’t meet girls, you won’t get a girl, period.
2. Ask girls out. Would you say no to free dinner? Would you say no to a free movie? Of course you wouldn’t, girls are the same way. Especially if they are single at our age, they’ve grown up a little by now.
Both of these may be difficult for you (I really don’t know) but being in a romantic relationship by definition stretches you. This will be difficult to explain, so I’ll try my best.
I am a huge flirt. I love to flirt with women and I love it when the flirt back. I’ve made out with a few girls on random whims just for kicks. (nobody anyone who reads this knows though) It was and still is my natural inclination to make out with girls when they were willing and hot. (Ok maybe I exagerate, they didn’t have to be hot) Obviously I eventually had to grow out of that, otherwise what kind of husband would I be? Did I change who I am? No, I am still the goofy guy I’ve always been, my behavior has changed but that’s about it.
Here is the cool part, am I better off now or then? Now by a LOOOOOOONG shot. Living the lifestyle I was got me in trouble many times. One time I randomly made out with a girl and then later that day her sister attempted suicide, and now I had this emotionally crazed girl who I didn’t know very well looking to me for comfort. Slightly awkward. Now that I am not a playboy anymore, I am a lot better off. Not to mention all the other benefits that go with marriage, I am just using this one thing as an example.
So if it stretches you to meet people, to take initiative, good. You are a better man for it. Go out there and meet some women.
Lastly I will refrence this book that I have read good things about. “How to get a date worth keeping, Be dating in six months or your money back” by Henry Cloud. He probably knows more about it than me. I’ve read good things about this book. An editor from relevant magazine was going through the six months but since the magazine changed formats I don’t know if that series of articles will continue.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0310262658/qid=1124384226/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-1884158-4116104?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Chad you should get a blog.
greg, you made out with random girls??? ;) congrats on the marriage, by the way.
i am hoping that perhaps the “find another church if you haven’t met any girls you’d like to see naked” comments were made tongue-in-cheek…i think church membership shouldn’t be decided by the hotness of the other members, but by whether or not it is a God-centered place you can worship, grow, and find communion with other believers. i can’t imagine i’m saying anything you don’t know, thomas.
and finally, while his advice to not compromise your character is good, i would be careful of the advice you heed from chad on this subject. he’s not kidding about “if he’d listened to me, ryan walker would not be married”. =)
Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence Ames. As for Greg’s ecclesiology, I have my doubts as well. Chobas.com should have three blogs, ch, ob, and as and me, Rob, and Thomas could post to our respective blogs. I would do so rather infrequently, most likely